I know it may seem that way, I know I say it A LOT. “I am tired” has become an automatic response. I’m crying, I’m upset, I’m angry it’s because “I’m tired.” You think I’m just trying to avoid confrontation. You think I’m trying to end an argument by not actually expressing how I feel, but I truly am.
I’m exhausted and because I’m exhausted, I am sad, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m anxious, I have no patience and I’m short.
I have not slept through the night for over three years.
Really since somewhere in the middle of pregnancy with my daughter. My daughter who made me into a mother and I love whole-heartedly. The same daughter that last night woke at 1am and didn’t finally fall back to sleep until 3:30am. The same daughter that I tried to get to sleep in our bed but the realizing that means I’ll have a kid kicking me in the back the rest of the night so I put down on the floor next to my bedside. The same daughter that was almost asleep when my husband decided he needed to get up and pee right at the moment. Of course, she got up and the task of getting her to lay still and go to sleep had to start over again.
You wonder why I try to get the babies to bed early, even if some nights it means a fight.
Because I’m exhausted and sometimes they’ll go to sleep, and I’ll get just an hour of extra time to myself or GOD FORBID I get an hour of extra time of sleep.
You’re hurt by the fact that when you get home from work, I do not want to hang out and watch a movie with you. I’m so tired, I really do try to stay up, I really do try to listen to your day but at times I get distracted by thoughts. Thoughts like “I need to put a load of laundry in,” “I need to do the dishes,” “Do we have any clean sippy cups,” “This place is a pigsty I need to pick up their toys,” “I just want to go to bed,” “I want to sleep,” “I have to do work,” “I need to get more clients,” “I need to write 2, 3 or 4 blog posts.” The list is endless because I have so much on my shoulders.
I don’t mean to act like it’s the world, but it is my world.
I am trying to give up some control. I am working on being okay with a mess every once in a while, because taking a break rather than picking it up in that moment is necessary. I am trying to ask for help more. I am trying to let you help on your own timeline rather than the one I think is necessary. But none of that changes the fact that I AM EXHAUSTED.
My exhaustion causes my anxiety to run wild. My anxiety starts fights, my anxiety makes my heart race, my anxiety keeps me up at night just adding to the exhaustion in the first place. It really is a lose-lose situation.
Then I get asked the dreaded question.
Are you sure you want another baby? Yes, Yes, Yes, I love my kids with all my heart and they are my world. Yes they are tiring, yes they are frustrating, yes they are smelly, snotty, little mini-mes following me around 24/7, touching me almost 24/7 climbing on me like I’m a jungle gym. I still want another and I don’t want to wait longer. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to have a family. I knew it was tiring and exhausting and rewarding and everything in between. I didn’t know quite to what extent, but I knew. I do not regret a second of it, no matter how exhausted I am. My babies are my babies, I cannot live without them now, and all I can think about is how I want that love to grow, yes I want another.
I’ll make it.
Sarah
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